Don’t Buy the Soulmate Myth: Romance is not enough to forge a stable and happy marriage.

This model is based on the idea of finding a “soulmate”—that special person who gives you an intense emotional and erotic connection, who makes you feel happy and fulfilled.

The problem with this model is that it offers a view of marital love that is hard to sustain—one focused on the ebb and flow of romantic feelings. Seeing marriage this way is attractive on its face, because romance is so charming. But as an ideal, it can make it more difficult for husbands and wives to embrace a richer, more stable and ultimately more satisfying idea of marriage, beyond the me-first spirit of soulmate love.

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The problem, of course, is that very few couples can maintain this romantic high. No one person, no one relationship, can give us great pleasure and great happiness all (or even most) of the time. Couples who embrace the soulmate model are often left disappointed by the real-world realities of love and marriage. As Stanley writes, “Soulmate-ism conveys an expectation of heavenly connection that makes earthbound relationships more difficult.”

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